As some of you know I'm divorced, with three kids. Two of my kids are from my previous marriage, and although my ex and I get along probably better than most ALL divorced parents, and my new hubby is a completely wonderful person, husband, and parent (well, most of the time, but nobody can hold that 24/7/365!), my son is having such a hard time dealing with shit right now that's it's completely breaking my heart! I'm not sure lately if I'm coming or going, and the confidence that I once possessed as a "pretty damn good mother" is getting to the point of being shot right out the window! Not so much by what other people observe, because I've always gotten compliments about my kids; "What wonderful kids you have", "What a fantanstic job you do with your kids", "What well behaved kids you have", "What considerate, caring kids you have"... bla bla bla. And my two older kids have always been honor roll kids, in all the advanced classes, and very much involved in just about every extra-curricular activity they can get their hands on! (remember, the lil one is only 2, but still smart as a whip!) Not that those things don't mean TONS to me, because they do, but they sure aren't helping the way I feel right now so much! Not so much my oldest daughter, but my son with the difficult time he's having right now, and my youngest daughter with her being... well 2.

Who knew the effects and feeling such a tender, young, loving, caring, compassionate little soul would have on a "grown" person? And just when exactly does a person feel grown? When does a person really get to the point in parenthood that they at least feel like their doing the right things for the kids? I know! "A parent does the best to they can for their kids, then hope for the best", but yanno? I just don't feel that's good enough! I should know how to make things "ok" in his world, I should know what those "right words" are to make him feel better! Why don't I? And more importantly... will I ever??

My kids are my world! They are what makes my sun shine, my stars twinkle, my moon glow, and my heart skip a beat every time I see them, or even think of them!! I want to give them everything this world has to offer, and it breaks my heart that I can't. The one thing in this world that I will never, ever be able to afford my two oldest kids is the one luxury that my parents afforded me... a lifetime of parents together, hand in hand, and more in love with every passing day.. and that fact so deeply breaks my heart!!

I pray everyday that I'm doing all I can for all my kids. I was so terrified when I was prenant with my youngest that my older two kids would feel as though I was ditching them for a new family, and I've made a very consious effort every minute of every day to be sure that didn't, and doesn't happen. They are all three my kids, and I love each of them with every fiber of my heart and soul!! I just wish I could be sure that they each know that, without a shadow of a doubt.. I mean, I ask them (well, the older two), and tell them consistantly that if they feel "off" about anything to tell me, and everythings fine with them except for my son wanting so badly for his Dad and I to be together. I don't know that he completely remembers a lot of what had happened, if he's blocked it out, or just chooses to say that he doesn't remember. He's told me so many times that his Dad and I get along great, so he doesn't know why we can't get back together. Which just confuses the hell out of me even more! Should we not get along so well? Isn't it always said that the divorced parents need to get along as well as possible for the kids to be able to better deal with things?? There really should be a manual given to you upon checkout from the hospital!!!

Until then...